Random post...

Are you a wrestling fan? I am. I follow one particular site that has all kinds of news and stories about the wrestling business and the wrestlers. It's kind of like an internet tabloid, except they have bloggers that also give their own opinions of things, ideas they have for "creative" and the like. It's really a good read. I enjoy it.

Other than that, I guess there isn't much to talk about. I don't even know why I am blogging, except I have random thoughts in my head I need to put somewhere I guess. I am, for starters, tired of stupidity. You know the saying "if everything around you is right and you are wrong, then it's probably you" or something to that effect. Well, I've come to the conclusion that it IS everybody else. Everyone thinks that because I am no longer a "social butterfly" at work, and I keep mostly to myself on personal issues, that there is something wrong with me. Nobody bothers to ask. To hell with them.

I am still bumming about not going to New York this year. I'll get over it though. I have my memories, and will visit them often over the next few months to keep myself from going totally nuts. Next year, like I said in a past post, will be a better time to go. What things am I looking to see? Well, for starters the ocean. I want to walk on the beach and the boardwalk, stay for awhile. Sit in the sand and listen to the waves crashing to the shore, the birds flying above. I also want to go through the old neighborhood where I grew up. I want to see what became of the house I lived in for more than half my life. I also want to drive by the park that was on the other side of town but I never went to because I didn't KNOW there was the other side of town until I started driving, then I hardly went there. I also want to visit an OTB (not On The Border, it's Off Track Betting). I had some good times there talking with guys about horses. One strange place I want to go is to a diner. I haven't had diner food in quite awhile.

People? Not particularly. This trip is more about the place. I want to go fishing (have to find out what is in season when I go). In case you haven't figured it out, I am drying out, and need to get wet again. Did you know there is a huge lake here, and I've never been to it. Seven years, don't go. Not even sure where it is. On Long Island it was easy to find water. Go 5 miles north or south, you find water. Go 6 miles north or south, you drown. Easy!

Finally decided on a title for the post. Yes, just typed it in. What?! Got a problem with it? I could have named it "fuck off" but that would defeat the purpose, because I would read back on this later, see that and think I should just stop reading altogether. I won't remember why I titled it the way I did. I type this to remind myself of the past. Some of which I should be forgetting.

Have to go to my son's school tonight for a "class meeting". Don't I seem excited? The class is called "Forensics" but it has to do with presentation and debate. That is not the definition I know for Forensics, but why not. If it's got to do with debate, my son can (maybe) learn from me. If not, his problem. He isn't the brightest bulb on the Christmas tree to begin with.

It's funny. I follow other blogs, and the parents there are so fucking funny. "Oh, my child is SO GREAT, they do THIS and THAT!" Have you stopped and looked at your child? If you didn't drag them to this and that, they would have nothing to do, because frankly they look too stupid to know what they want. And with parents like what they have, they are in alot of fucking trouble!

Well, that's about it. Not enough? Oh well, I'll save it for the next one.

Trip postponed...

Yes, my trip to New York is on hiatus. After getting a quote on a package including flight, rental car and hotel (for 3 and 4 nights), and looking online to price rental cars for a 9 day road trip, figuring in gas prices and the like, I found that this trip cannot currently be afforded. Not that close to Christmas. A smart move on my part. The one holiday I can tolerate is Christmas, and I do not want to be in a situation where I cannot buy a gift or choose not to pay a few bills. So, I am planning for a trip in April or May 2011. By then I will be through the holidays and I can do my budget for 2011 and see what I can save each month. Plus, I hope there is a bonus at work which will help subsidize the trip.

Now all I have to do is survive the next 7 months with not being able to get to the ocean.

Friends...

Two more months to New York. Or Las Vegas (probably not going there). Or Colorado. Or Nebraska. Basically I want to go far, far away, to a place I've never been. Colorado in November probably not the best idea. I heard they get snow early. Nebraska, not sure what they get and when. I know tornado season should be done by then. New York still seems like the best choice. Get some pizza, maybe go to a hockey game. Definitely go to the ocean. Basically, these plans are what is keeping me going.

Have also been thinking about "friends" lately. I've mentioned this before. People in general make me laugh. They say "we're friends!". Yeah...OK. Let's think about this. Will you invite me to your home for dinner or to hang out? Will you call me and say "hey, so-and-so and I are going to hang out after work, wanna come?" Nope. And you know what? I won't call you either. When I see you, I will be as cordial as I believe you deserve from me.

As I stated above, I am planning to go to NY in a couple of months. I think I may have found someone to visit while I am there. A woman I knew through high school (and a short time beyond) is still there. She and I lost touch due to some of her own personal demons she was dealing with. My understanding is she is past them now, and trying to make amends with those she hurt during that period. I let her know I may be going up to NY, will see what happens. At least baseball season will be almost done by then ... she's a NY Yankees fan! BOO! LMAO!!

A title huh??

Not very creative minded this afternoon. Actually just grateful that the sunburn I obtained on Saturday is healing and I'm in quite a bit less pain than I was Sunday and yesterday.

Saturday we went to a water park in Branson MO. It was WONDERFUL! The temperature was about 84 degrees, there was some cloud cover, a small breeze. The water temperature was beyond perfect. Well, after being there about 3 hours, someone decided they had enough of the clouds, and they all went away. Out comes the sun. In just 6 minutes (yes, SIX!) I found a whole new respect for bacon, because damn if I did not feel like a strip in a frying pan. Yeah, yeah, some tell me that even with the cloud cover I would still have been burnt. Yes, I know! These are the jackasses that don't understand a story, they HAVE to be right all the fucking time! As I was saying, in just 6 minutes, I went from a "decently not totally white as a sheet" color to RED! I thought about sunscreen, and decided against it. How much worse could it have gotten? Four hours later, when we left, it was only worse on my feet. The rest of me was fried a long time earlier.

Still planning my trip. HOWEVER, ran into a "snafu" as one my direct co-workers is due to have a baby that week. She will naturally be out of the office before that time, and with me out? I am hoping that my bosses find another cover for the business. Because I'll be damned if I'm missing my vacation!

Crazy...

Over the past few weeks, some would say I've made some "unwise" decisions. I have distanced my personal life from my work life, meaning I have "not been myself" at work. What's the point? Do you ever see anyone come by my desk to have a conversation, see how I'm doing, how my family is? Nope. I'm always the one getting up, going to others. It honestly takes a lot of time out of my work day. Even my supervisor, who when I go into her office for a 5 minute meeting turns into an hour, has been kept to 5 minutes. At work I'm all business. I work with mostly people that are young enough to be my children (had I been sexually active at 14, but still). They are single, I am married. I don't go out on weekends drinking and dancing. There is no commonality there. Crazy? Yeah, some would call it that. I call it getting done what is supposed to get done.

However....

This is nothing compared to what I'm planning for the start of November. ROAD TRIP!! Yes, folks, I have vacation that week, and my plan is to rent a car and go home. I am going to Long Island for a few days. Leaving on the Saturday, getting there on Monday, then leaving on Thursday and heading back to Arkansas. Already priced hotels, and found a decent deal for 3 nights. Have to look into rental cars next. Maybe I'll contact a travel agent, see if he can put some kind of package together for me to make it a bit less expensive. Going to see what deals I get on my own first, so I can compare. But, YEP, my plan is to head home.

Well, either there or Las Vegas. Haven't truly decided yet. The drive each way is about the same, and I know hotels in LV are much cheaper, but all that gambling? And me being by myself?? Long Island seems the smarter choice. Less chance of me spending too much money, I get to be back by the ocean (which I miss terribly), and I get to see the old neighborhood. I may also take a ride into Brooklyn, look for a bakery that I loved as a kid that was near my grandma's house. Hopefully I'll have GPS in the car so it can tell me where to go, because I'll be damned if I remember.

Well, that's it and that's that. One crazy post, huh??

Happy Friday the 13th...

Wow, one of my favorite days of the year. It doesn't come around again until January 2011, and that's Anthony's birthday. I normally have alot of luck on this day, and always wear all black. Didn't today. White shirt and blue jeans. When the temperature outside is hitting 102 and up, light colored clothing is the way to go.

Right now I'm sitting at work in a very quiet office. There isn't much going on, and majority of the people are gone for the day. I am sitting listening to a CD (won't say which one, don't want you to choke) and thinking. Remembering...

At one point in my life, I can say I had friends. Those that were there for me, in good times and bad. They would pick me up when I was down, or slap some sense into me when I was being stupid. I like to think I was there for them too, the best way that I could. I do not have that in my life anymore. I miss that. I rememember people from my past, the ones that could make me smile and laugh. They would cry with me when I was sad. I remember one young woman I knew...actually I dated her...who was there with me when my mom had her first stroke. I was SO pissed. I reamed 2 doctors right there in the hospital hallway, and I mean reamed (they are still walking funny), and then walked away. Nobody could find me, and at the time that's what I thought I wanted. Well, she found me, and ignored my "go away". She came over, sat next to me, and put her arms around me. Together we just sat there. I was able to cry and get out my frustration, sadness, anger. Everything that was built up. I miss having people in my life like that. Those that will not care if I am in a talkative mood or not. Those that truly know me is that just be fucking NORMAL around me. I come around easy enough.

Just too many demons in my head for me to start anything...

What a week so far...

The temperatures have been around 100 (or better according to the thermometer in my truck) for a few days now. We have not had high temperatures under 90 for weeks. I warned everyone it was going to be a hot summer. How did I know? Read back, my faithful followers and you'll see the posts about all of the snow and ice we had earlier in 2010. This is the normal pattern. Rough winter, harsh summer. Hopefully this winter will be mild so my son and I can play basketball on the driveway on Christmas morning like we have in the past.

Attended a 2-day conference (yesterday and today -- 5 hours each). Then had another one this afternoon, which was over 2 hours. So much for working. HA HA! Actually got online when I got home, cleared the inbox, ran a couple of reports, and am clear and ready for tomorrow. At least I won't have to go out in the heat. Get my AWA day (alternate work arrangements). This is a sustainability project that my company offers, where one day per week we can work from home. This saves Co2 emissions as I don't have to run my vehicle to and from work (and anywhere else I may go during the day). The great part is, after 3+ years with the company, they trust me that I won't just sit and wiggle my mouse every 20 minutes to show I'm online and not idle. And I don't. I am at my laptop pretty much all day, like I was in the office. The only bad thing is, I can smoke at home. Buy stock in Marlboro!

Other than that, all is fairly quiet. Hoping to go to the water park this weekend, last weekend before school starts for Anthony. The weekend is clear, and hopefully the weather will cooperate and not dump rain (that we've been waiting for for about 2 weeks now) on our heads. Yeah, I know. Rain at a water park. Who cares right? Well, with the heat and humidity, it could easily be a bad thunderstorm with lightning, and that kinda screws up the plans of enjoying the lazy river, the wave pool, and all the wonderful slides that rush water up my legs and pushes my balls into my nostrils. Oh, but SO much fun!!

Hope you all have a great day. And see? I didn't piss and moan once about work, because if I did, oh man!

Thoughts...

Over the past couple of weeks or so, I've been dealing with the "personal demons" in my head. I think I have mentioned this before, but don't feel like looking back. I was fortunate enough last night to put one of those to rest. At least I hope I was able to.

As you know, I have been married for a long time. What you may not have known is that I was engaged once before. It was to a wonderful young woman, who I will not name in this post, as I would like to respect her privacy. We met in high school .. she was actually dating a friend of mine when we met. I remember the day I met her. Please note, this is a high schooler's way of thinking, not the adult I am now. I looked at her and went "Wow! A bookworm! She's smart, yes, and cute, but nah, not my type." Then I shook her hand. Now, I don't know if you have ever had a "psychic experience" but I did. The ONLY thought that ran through my mind when her hand touched mine was "This is the girl I am going to marry!" When I let go of her hand, my next thought was "What am I, NUTS?!?" Well, she dated my friend throughout high school, I'd seen her a few times, and the same psychic thought was there every time. There was no chance on God's green earth I was going to attempt taking her from him. He was my friend, and I was not the type to be able to steal anyone's girl, nor do I believe I could even if I tried.

Long story short, I saw her a couple of years later. She was working in the mall, and I was there with my cousin. When I saw her, I froze. My cousin almost dragged me in there to talk to her, but I managed to fight him off. A few months later, while I was dating someone else, we were in the mall so I could get a camera repaired. I heard my name called, went out to see who it was, and it was her. She saw me, and wanted to say hello. About 45 minutes later, I remembered I had a girlfriend (she was still in the camera store wondering where I was), and forced myself to leave. I wound up breaking up with her about a month later, knowing where my destiny was.

We dated for over a year. I remember the day I asked her to marry me. We were in my bedroom, and the door was closed. This was taboo in my house, especially with my mother home. Her theory was "if I can't get laid in this house, nobody can!" Well, the door was closed and she couldn't figure out why. We were talking about the mall and I told her when she brings the ring in to get it sized, ask them to shine it up also. She said "What ring?" having no idea what I was talking about. Then I pulled out the ring and asked her to marry me. To this day I still believe that was the happiest day of my life.

Please note above, I said "dated" because we broke up a few months later. I honestly couldn't tell you what broke us up. I think it was a number of things. I can tell you it was mostly me (if not all me). I had a plan in my head that was falling apart, and as our relationship fell apart, I got worse rather than trying to fix it.

I have been thinking about my life and all of the relationships I've been in. Did you know that she is the ONLY one I have never cheated on? There was a young woman I dated in high school, and oh wow did I believe I was in love. Yes, cheated on her. Nothing BIG, but for me, any indiscretion is enough. My wife .. yes, cheated on her more than once. She has on me also, we actually went to another state together to meet up with people. Yet, there was one that I never strayed from, never even THOUGHT about it.

I was able to communicate with this person last night, even though it was a very short conversation. I was given the opportunity to apologize to her for the times I hurt her. I was not there for her when I should have been, and I broke my promise. The promise that I would keep her and protect her forever. The one promise I believe I kept is that I would love her forever, because she will always have a place in my heart. And the photo we took at Sears will always be in my memory too. I'm just sorry I lost the jacket.

Nothing interesting...

Just feel like typing for a couple of minutes. Been a bad day for me so far. Very on edge, headache that won't go totally away, lightheaded earlier, and just basically annoyed by every voice I hear (with my ears .. the ones in my head I'm getting used to). Did something very strange yesterday, waiting to see if anything comes out of it. Probably won't, but there's hoping. Would be VERY strange if the hope comes from another state.

Beginnings of the working month, that happen on Monday's, are probably the worst. Reports that are normally run on Monday's take much longer than usual, because everyone else is running their prior month end reports. Also, I'm waiting for orders to be submitted into the system so I can go in and accept them, which will take me a long time. Doesn't look like they are coming in today, so I will be working on them tomorrow (and possibly Wednesday, depending on the day).

Well, I guess that's enough typing.