Thoughts...

Over the past couple of weeks or so, I've been dealing with the "personal demons" in my head. I think I have mentioned this before, but don't feel like looking back. I was fortunate enough last night to put one of those to rest. At least I hope I was able to.

As you know, I have been married for a long time. What you may not have known is that I was engaged once before. It was to a wonderful young woman, who I will not name in this post, as I would like to respect her privacy. We met in high school .. she was actually dating a friend of mine when we met. I remember the day I met her. Please note, this is a high schooler's way of thinking, not the adult I am now. I looked at her and went "Wow! A bookworm! She's smart, yes, and cute, but nah, not my type." Then I shook her hand. Now, I don't know if you have ever had a "psychic experience" but I did. The ONLY thought that ran through my mind when her hand touched mine was "This is the girl I am going to marry!" When I let go of her hand, my next thought was "What am I, NUTS?!?" Well, she dated my friend throughout high school, I'd seen her a few times, and the same psychic thought was there every time. There was no chance on God's green earth I was going to attempt taking her from him. He was my friend, and I was not the type to be able to steal anyone's girl, nor do I believe I could even if I tried.

Long story short, I saw her a couple of years later. She was working in the mall, and I was there with my cousin. When I saw her, I froze. My cousin almost dragged me in there to talk to her, but I managed to fight him off. A few months later, while I was dating someone else, we were in the mall so I could get a camera repaired. I heard my name called, went out to see who it was, and it was her. She saw me, and wanted to say hello. About 45 minutes later, I remembered I had a girlfriend (she was still in the camera store wondering where I was), and forced myself to leave. I wound up breaking up with her about a month later, knowing where my destiny was.

We dated for over a year. I remember the day I asked her to marry me. We were in my bedroom, and the door was closed. This was taboo in my house, especially with my mother home. Her theory was "if I can't get laid in this house, nobody can!" Well, the door was closed and she couldn't figure out why. We were talking about the mall and I told her when she brings the ring in to get it sized, ask them to shine it up also. She said "What ring?" having no idea what I was talking about. Then I pulled out the ring and asked her to marry me. To this day I still believe that was the happiest day of my life.

Please note above, I said "dated" because we broke up a few months later. I honestly couldn't tell you what broke us up. I think it was a number of things. I can tell you it was mostly me (if not all me). I had a plan in my head that was falling apart, and as our relationship fell apart, I got worse rather than trying to fix it.

I have been thinking about my life and all of the relationships I've been in. Did you know that she is the ONLY one I have never cheated on? There was a young woman I dated in high school, and oh wow did I believe I was in love. Yes, cheated on her. Nothing BIG, but for me, any indiscretion is enough. My wife .. yes, cheated on her more than once. She has on me also, we actually went to another state together to meet up with people. Yet, there was one that I never strayed from, never even THOUGHT about it.

I was able to communicate with this person last night, even though it was a very short conversation. I was given the opportunity to apologize to her for the times I hurt her. I was not there for her when I should have been, and I broke my promise. The promise that I would keep her and protect her forever. The one promise I believe I kept is that I would love her forever, because she will always have a place in my heart. And the photo we took at Sears will always be in my memory too. I'm just sorry I lost the jacket.